Stress Tests

As you know, the government has put the nations largest banks through rigorous testing recently designed to assess the viability of the institutions. I'm 'sure', like me, you are anxiously awaiting the results of the tests that are due out later this week. I'm not privy to what all the tests entail, but I'm pretty sure they must include "Asset Displacement" matrices, "Sudden Withdrawal" exercises and a myriad of other tests like walking the economic tightrope or crossing the glass laden money pit with bare feet.

In true likening things to ourselves fashion, it appears my children have adopted a similar quest as the feds in determining the suitableness of retaining me as their mother. Scores and interpretation of those scores are still forthcoming and will likely not be released to the public for some time. Do, look for leaks as is customary in all such important endeavors.

(Names have been changed to protect the innocent and by that I mean guilty. And yes I know any frequent readers will have no trouble picking out the culprits...I planned it that way.)

Test 1 Asset Displacement

Monday Morning 7:47 AM
Scheduled School Departure Time 8:00 AM

Me in conversation to SON: "Do you have all your materials for your project." (Said project has been in the works for sometime and Son and husband spent several hours on Saturday figuring out what needed to be done.)
SON: No.
ME: Well gather them up, it is about time to leave.
SON: I don't know where they are.
ME: I know you put them away, Dad told you to put them up so the little kids would not get them when you were done on Saturday.
SON: I don't know where they are.
ME: Well find them.
SON: (Looks, well, scans, well, skims the surface of two semi-likely spots.)
SON: I can't find them.
ME: Well you haven't even looked yet.
SON: Yes I did they aren't here.
ME: You know the reason we spent so much time on this Saturday was so you could be ready and organized today right?
SON: Yes.
ME: So why did you not put your stuff in a place you could find it?
SON: I don't know.
ME: (Evidence of serious cracks in the system.) WHY DO I TRY?????
SON: Can't you tell I'm trying?
ME: NO!

Test results: Subject did not fare well on the first test and so other tests may be necessary to verify the viability of motherliness.

Test 2 Sudden Withdrawals

Tuesday Morning 7:47 AM (Do you see a pattern?)
Scheduled School Departure Time 8:00 AM

DAUGHTER: Mom, I don't want to go to school today, I might die. (dramatic)
ME: (Thinking...she is very good at dramatics) Why? (Said in a I'm not so dramatic way)
DAUGHTER: I need a nurse costume.
ME: Wear your scrubs.
DAUGHTER: For Florence Nightingale.
ME: *PAUSE*
*MORE PAUSE*
*MORE PAUSE*
ME: How long have you known this?
DAUGHTER: A few days....
ME: Well it would be nice to know these things earlier than later.
DAUGHTER: Yeah, I know.

Test results: Instant withdrawal, not available on all deposits. 'Perhaps', we may be able to wrangle 'something' up for the Final Withdrawal date. Test results uncertain.

Test 3 Myriad of other Testing Methods.

Starting Monday 8:07 AM- Continuing on an as needed basis
(Test subject is still worked up over Test 1) (Testers move in for the kill)
Tests include: Little Son & Little Daughter in various relay style maneuvers including Unauthorized Toilet Plunging, Retrieving of previously put away light bulbs and creating broken glass obstacle course and last, but not least, the Cacophony of Little Voices simultaneously scheming wonderful (meaning destructive) adventures and teasing each other to the point of insanity.

Test results: Not good. Subject is facing likely derangement and mandatory therapy!